My love for you sank to the bottom of the ocean..

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Photo of the Day

Lost in love..

Wishlist

Here are the items!
~~1) Itouch~~
~~2) Skull Candy~~
3) Fred perry button shirt
~~4) Watch~~
5) Gucci wallet
~~6) Crumpler sling bag~~
7) Skaters Cap
8) Digital Camera
~~9) Clothes~~
~~10)White shoes~~
11)Accessories (tie, bowtie, brouch, vest etc..)

i'm sori.. ..

Written @ 1:06 PM

din noe tat wateva i said will cause everitin to turn out like dis.. .. i mean well.. .. i din wan to interfere btwn u n him.. but.. .. its reli an unGodly relation, i cant condone wif tat.. .. ni, wake up wld u? i noe u jus wana share wif mi.. i'm not judgin, but jus tellin u wat i tink.. .. i reli shldnt b the 1st one noein abt all these but bro valor shld den b the one.. .. ni, so wat if u fell? its not a matter of u fallin, but the courage n strength of u fallin n got urself up again.. plz plz.. don b like dis can.. ..? thou wateva u said to mi reli hurts.. u hammered the fragile glass heart of mine which had jus been recuperated n recovered.. .. but.. no matter hw hurt i may b.. i will nv choose to let u go.. cuz i noe, the min i let go, u'll b like edwin.. gone 4eva.. .. don leave ni, i urge u not to release ur hand for i'll nv gif u up.. will u b?

ni, like wat my helper said.. either u stay, serve God wholeheartedly wif the fire n passion in u, or u leave.. .. cuz if u choose to leave, God can do sumtin aft tat to bring u back.. but if u r non of the abv, God cant do anitin.. u understand? nv b lukewarm.. u luv God.. don u? if u don, den wat r all tat u said to mi? stories? fairytales? or its jus a flock n bunch of lies.. .. u call mi not to b easily defeated by devil.. i do as wat u say.. den wat abt u?? the worse tin in life is wen others din gif u up, God din gif u up, but u gave urself up! ytd i call u don reply, cuz i noe is the conversation continues, it will go no where either.. .. wats the point.. ..

i dono wats in ur mind.. is relationship tat necessary? givin up ur relationship wif God jus bcuz of him.. .. kk.. perhaps like wat u say, not bcuz of him.. but do u reli noe wat u r doin?

fine fine fine.. u made mi so down so down.. i'll jus shut the hell up n wash my hands off ba.. .. everitin seems to b beyond my control.. ..

sad.. ..

Written @ 1:52 AM

sayin tat i i'm not hurt, is a lie to u.. sayin tat i'm hurt, its unless.. sayin tat i don feel, its a deceive to myself.. ..

not sheddin a single tear is the toughest tins on earth..

eor hou san fu.. .. dim gai hai gom miong.. .. bin gor hor yi wah bei eor tank.. dim gai wei gom miong.. ..

unhappi.. ..

Written @ 12:31 PM

bloggy bloggy..
i'm super duper unhappi.. but sad to say, unhappiness can nv b share in here.. frm tat day on, i promised myself tat dis blog shall b a clean one.. my webbie name, 'esther in the wonderland'.. its a wonderland isnt it? wonderland shld onli b filled wif joy but nth else..

ahhhh!!!!!!!!! ok.. i'm ok le.. .. thx bloggy.. .

no1 understand wat i'm writtin.. ..?

Written @ 9:07 AM

(sori guys.. don haf to read.. its in cantonese.. i doubt ani of u understands.. i don reli wan ppl to noe hw i feel in dis entry.. sori..)

mm zi dim gai, eor hou mm hoi sam.. xiong dou eor di pang yao, eor aoi di yan.. zan hai hou xiong ham.. dan hai eor yit zi tong mai eor zi gei gong, 'esther, lei dak de.. gei dit ju, mm zhon ham..'

eor mou sak eor hou dor pang you.. yit gor yit gor qieh zor.. tong tong hang sai.. .. li di giu pang you? haas.. zan hai hou hou xiu.. ..

eor zi dou hoi mm zong yi eor.. dan hai wo zan hai hou zong yi hoi.. gor di gam gok, eor mm sek gom miong gong.. hoi wa 'commitment lies'.. hai mm hai zan di? hor lang hoi zan hai mm zong yi eor, mou hor lang doi eor you yit di di gor zong gam gok, dan hai doi eor lei gong, lei yit zi sang yuit zoi eor sam zhong.. .. lei hai hong kong yan, eor zi dou ni yit ding huei meng bak eor zoi seh meh ye..

hei mong jiong lei, eor dei huei hai mai yit cai.. bei eor yit ci gei wui, tong mai bei lei ji gei yit ci gei wui.. hou ma?.. eor huei dang lei.. yit ding huei dang.. hoi kot si lam.. eor aoi lei.. .. yit sang yit sei.. ..

haiz..

Written @ 6:45 PM

there's always a 1st time in everitin we do.. a beri attitude person will cum to mi n say i beri attitude.. wat a great joke man.. frenz..? a frenz tat will onli cum to mi concernin money.. lolx~ tats call frenz? ignore u wen she feels like it.. once open her mouth or msg u, its all abt money.. plz la.. i don fancy tat man.. wan money? can! cum 2 mi wif a nice attitude n tok to mi politely b4 i will respond to u n gif u anitin u wan! sori hor.. i'm too SMALL to haf a conversation wif u.. DA JIE JIE!!! u lied to mi for yrs.. n i had been fool for u eva seens the day i noe u.. so sad huh.. .. haas.. tat time i put my nick as 'forgivin is the most vital tin ones can eva achieve.. yes.. u r forgiven..' but i've learnt sumtin recently.. forgiveness is a choice.. its optional.. all along i tot is a MUST.. no.. its actually not.. sori.. in tat case, i CANT forgive u.. ..

wana thx bro.. for the bk 'healin the wounded spirit'.. i was oreli aimin for tat bk wen it was bein flash on the LED screen.. but as usual, bks tat r written by pastors r usually beri beri super duper expensive.. so.. i was tinkin of givin tat a miss.. hu noe.. ze came to mi in secret.. 'hey.. dis is a gift frm bro to u.. he wanted mi to buy it n pass to u.. no reason, jus a blessin frm him..' waa.. there.. i saw the bk.. i was stund! 'er.. er.. for mi?' haas.. askin in doubt.. yes.. it was for mi indeed.. the min i got the bk. i read it immediately.. cool.. jus the 1st chapt alone taught mi alot of tins n lots of revelation was received.. bro.. reli.. thx for it.. i luv it.. ..

ze had a tok wif mi ytd.. opps.. sori.. nw pass mid nite le.. so is the day b4? lolx.. ya.. was rather reluctant wen he call mi to leave wif him for a chat, sayin he nid to tok to mi.. cuz.. i noe it wldnt b a pleasant conversation.. at least to mi la.. true enuf.. he wans mi to make a decision.. to stay, or to leave.. he wan an ans ASAP.. i.. i din gif him the ans.. but tat nite itself, went i reach home, i msg bro.. i din tell him tat ze had a tok wif mi.. but sumhw or rather, i told bro my ans instead of ze.. i apologised too.. yeah.. attitudes i had on men, r actually not impt at all.. BUT it all reflects on my attitudes towards God.. i told bro.. no matter wat happen in the future, even if he irritates mi or misunderstood mi, i shall always make a point to react positively towards him.. cuz.. he's my leader, n oso, God sees it.. .. surprisingly, i've made a decision of leavin despite all tat i've discovered.. don haf to xplain much to mems, cuz it's reli a long story.. aniwae, dey don haf to noe.. bro noes it all can le.. ..

2day got CG outin.. playin bowlin? lolx~ dono y leh.. my skill bcuz lousy le.. used to get 100 over de.. nw onli 80 sumtin.. haiz.. fun fun fun.. everi1 seems to b learnin hw to play.. waa.. yuan's ball beri 'powerful' leh.. 'POMP!' b4 it rolls out.. wakaka~ i was leadin at 1st, den kel caught mi up, n in the end, liang caught kel up.. haas.. ze is still the same.. everitime go out, will haf a little slip b4 he returns.. lolx! steve hor.. teach him den ma jiam nv listen to mi like tat =.=" .. yanglin is great! doin fine! (koko~ cuz she usin the lighest ball ma) =X her ball quite straight leh.. tink she's 2nd timer? not bad not bad.. waa.. surprise leh.. yanglin initiated to take foto wif mi.. i was abt to ask her, but tot she will reject, (she take foto nid to depend on mood de) so i din ask lo.. sum more liang use my fone till low batt le.. hu noes.. she was like 'hey! take foto leh!' i toot toot leh.. i take the camera, n take for her.. 'wat u doin?! not take mi la! take 2gether!' oh? hw i noe ar.. haas.. she got mi n herself 2 orange ball.. =.=" my finger cannot even go in.. but its great la.. din see the foto, but hope it turns out nice.. haiz.. my sunglass.. dono which big butt sat on it.. spoiled.. it broke.. *sob sob* aww.. i dropped he ball jus nw.. it kena my leg.. tot it was fine.. but hu noes.. it swells.. my sooo pain.. .. mummy say i stupid, ppl go DA QIU (play ball), den i BEI QIU DA (kana hit by ball).. hahaX!

wenting called mi n cry.. guess it not onli abt the camera pouch.. but.. its an accumulation of tins.. again, she luv to call at my 'busiest' time.. it was the time tat my fav show is on.. MY DATE WIF A VAMPIRE!!! but.. haas.. its ok la.. hear her out lo.. show can watch again de.. more over ze lent mi his VCD le ma.. haas.. everitime tok till she frm sad to happi den i will feel a kind of satisfaction.. lolx~ she sad, she like to call n tok to mi.. i sad, as usual.. i wld like to listen to yanglin sing.. i wld reli like to.. again.. but.. its no longer available le.. haas.. aniwae.. 1st, i begin to learn not to dwell n brood over hurts n pains.. 2nd, even if i do.. tokin to God, pray, will always b a much much beta solution den to listen to sum1 sing.. isnt it? haas.. ..

tot nini dear don wan mi le.. =,( haiz.. 2days nv msg mi.. finally receive her msg jus nw.. 'darlin! sori tat i forgotten to msg u ytd! i was far too tired aft work.. still luv mi =b?' haas.. =b <---- is her fav emoticon.. n 'ha!' is sumtin tat will always exist in her msg.. yeah yeah.. luv u luv u! mis u load load!! wakaka!~ waa.. look at her frenster pic.. got i stupid ang mo put his hand over her waist!!! hw dare he touch my nini dear!!! gg to skin him alive soon..~

ah yanh ar! wake mi up so early tat day.. call mi go s'pore poly wif him.. i was kind of blur blur? still in my dreamland wen he called.. n i tot he wanted to go s'pore post.. so i say to mit him at paya lebah lo.. wen he reached, he was like 'where we gg? hw cum mit here?' i reli blurr leh.. i was like 'u watned to go s'pore pst ma! nor! here we r lo!' wakaka~ 'i wanted to go s'pore poly, not s'pore post!' opps~ lolx~ wats the moral of the story? nv call mi wen i'm slpin! muhahaX!

nw mid nite le.. turnin 3 soon.. i ytd nv slp.. cuz piah the VCDs ma.. quick quick finish den can pass to jas le.. so watch n watch lo.. watch till dawn.. haas.. din reli slp, aft tat go straight for CG outin.. so tired.. .. guess i gg bed soon.. *yawnz* nite bloggy~

plain n simple life.. ..

Written @ 4:20 PM

life r gettin more n more simple, more n more plain.. plain till i got nth to blog le.. lolx~ 2day i mainly stuck my butt on the chair, facin the com frm the min i woke up till nw.. more den 12 hr le.. wakaka.. .. wanted go look for nini dear, but.. haiz.. don wish to go out all alone.. jas sick, so restin at home.. liang workin.. wenting makin jelly.. kel oso outside.. so sianz.. den kel msg mi.. 'hey.. i tink u reli beri sianz.. i can accompy u.. i nw headin bedok le.. where u wana go..?' haas.. thx God there was kel.. but.. he gona meet steve ltr.. so is like.. can onli meet him for awhile? haas.. mite as well don meet.. .. he was like 'u sure? i reli can meet u leh..' .. haas.. ..

so sianz.. haas.. jus nw at ard 10.42pm (the time nini dear dismiss frm work), i took a foto of myself wif a posture of a kissin look, send MMS to my nini dear.. wakaka.. 'yee! disgustin pic! but i like it!' she said tat.. but hor.. tat pic reli beri ugly leh.. call her delete she don wan.. die liao la.. if she expose my tat pic, i no face le.. my image.. .. aww~

tat day bought her 1 PMK shirt.. dono if she like it, cuz nv see her wear t shirt b4.. but thx God.. she din jus like it.. but she luv it!!! haas.. but she bu kai xin leh.. ask mi y i nv buy the same pattern as her, den is like.. er.. she wanted couple shirt? lolx~ i promised her i will get for her another shirt again.. dis time round will b couple shirt le.. wakaka..~

haiz.. dis wk is the last wk of enjoyment le.. gona resume work soon.. a new workin enviroment.. tat day i went there.. haiz.. the ppl there doesnt seems to b beri frenzly.. die le.. my another frenz got mi a job! sales promoter? promote sumsung tingy.. per day basic pay is $40.. if my sales is gd, commission will b added.. so 1 day will get ard $60-80? lolx~ soooo gd~ onli nid to work on wk ends.. BUT!!! here cums the prom! wk end i where can work.. i wana attend svc.. .. haiz.. no choice.. gona gif tat job up.. ..

reli nth much to blog.. life gettin fine.. .. cool.. .. so bliss.. ..

waa.. ..

Written @ 6:17 AM

ytd went for tabernacle.. actually wear till beri nice de.. .. in the end bought le 1 shirt can change.. den b4 tat mi n wenting went shoppin! lolx~ she wana buy sumtin for her mummy, den i wana buy sumtin for my ni ni dear~ walk walk walk.. go shop to shop.. still hor, cannot find anitin leh.. jus wen we walk into pure milk shop.. waa!!! all on sale!!! shirt so cute.. bag so nice!! haas.. er.. .. den bought 1 shirt 4 my ni ni dear, 1 for myself, n a bag oso.. din intend to buy the bag de.. but wenting lor 'buy buy buy! beri cheap! beri worth it!! buy! trust mi.. BUY!!!' .. .. waa.. Lord! tempation!!! wakaka~ so in the end i buy lo.. .. great.. the bag was reli nice.. even joanne n kel tink so.. haas.. .. onil $15!!! shh~ waa.. like i sounded so cheapskit ilke tat.. wenting like my sunglass leh.. ask mi hw much.. don even dare to tell her its onli $2!! opps~ =X hey hey.. ppl out there.. stop sayin i'm rich.. i'm not kk? ya.. i may look cool, but cool doesnt nid money to buy de.. u don smile, stare at ppl, nor! can b cool liao.. lolx~! cheap cheap clothin can oso b cool de.. kel ar.. bag hor can use can le.. no nid buy addidas de.. u din earn much for ur work, don waste money on such tins.. .. waa.. joanne worse.. 1 sunglass cost $60 over!! still emphasize tat its made in Italy de.. for mi hor, its onli a sunglass.. no diff leh.. but heng la.. in the end dono how she manage to buy it at ard $30 over.. .. she bash the sales person? 'u beta gif mi offer hor!!!' wakaka! no la.. i tink too much le.. lolx~ i shld learn frm wenting.. beri thrifty.. haas.. both of us seems so cheapskit ytd! haas..!~

started tokin wif her le.. tins gg fine.. prefectly fine.. yeah~ gd la.. no special fond, not hold ani grudge.. plain.. yup.. i'm happi wif wat we r nw.. comfortable.. .. thx God for makin a way for us.. ..

haiz.. dis blog of mine is still not tat confidential.. i actually was rather unhppi ytd nite.. but.. frm dis moment on, i mus mind wat i say, everi single sentence n word frm mi mite offence others.. so.. guess i shld jus swollow everi unhappiness down ba.. cant b writen here.. ..

wee! ytd took foto wif kel.. haas.. reli seems like my bf.. gosh.. alot ppl mistook le.. hey hey.. he's not my bf kk? if i take foto wif others, not nice, nvm de.. but my foto wif kel mus reli b nice n sweet.. see.. i always online de ma, den alot of guys cum find mi tok.. too bad la.. i not interested.. so if i put mi n kel foto, dey'll tot i attached le, den wun ask much le.. see! mi n his foto so impt.. so mus reli take till nice nice de.. my foto wif wenting ytd was nice oso! kee~

waa.. ytd tebernacle was a killin 1 for mi.. i not feelin well.. waa.. thruout i was reli abt to slp liao lo.. den nose reli blk till no more oxygen i can intake le.. terrible.. my eyes were open but mind was blank.. till pst kong tok abt 'mercy, forgiveness', den i woke up.. hmm.. i received relevation frm there.. den hor.. aft tat i bu you zi zu de blank out again.. den pst kong was 'lets touch ESTHER.. she was the bla bla bla..' waa.. almost jump out of the seat.. lolx~ tio chua sia.. .. hahax! kel hor! nv die b4! keep on usin ur hp.. wen i abt to tap u, nana pok pok pok ur paper to hint u.. haas..

waa.. ni ni darlin actually meetin mi aft tebernacle de.. but hor.. too sick to meet her le.. haas.. she jus went offline leh.. so borin without her ard.. she ltr got work.. haas.. she huh.. gg to skin her alive le.. msg mi ytd mid nite sayin she drinkin.. AGAIN!!! but she promised she wun le.. not say don let her drink, but her jiu liang so lousy.. everitime drink le see 'angels'.. but thx God la.. at least she noe the imporatnce to keep herself sober.. .. nini darlin 1st day workin 2day.. wana go find her de.. but.. don la.. haas.. ltr tok to her, den she kena fire.. wakaka.. opps..!~ jia you nini dear!

yeah.. i gg interview at carl's jr ltr.. was tinkin of mornin work in pasta mania, nite work in carl's jr.. include pocket money, i everi mth will haf ard $1000 plus.. cool~ wana play, 1st of all mus haf enuf money.. if not go out ma jiam livin in poverty like tat.. neither do i wan to rot at home.. sum more work so near nini dear.. all my place of workin ard town ma.. haas.. den can always visit her.. =)

tins r movin on in my life.. .. yes.. .. keep it up esther!

everitin fine le..

Written @ 2:44 AM

everitin is gettin on fine.. i took the initiative in callin her ytd.. waa.. i was prepared for a great yellin session frm her.. hu noes.. everitin turns beyond wat i expected.. she's so calm..

yah.. as wat she said n as wat i tink, we can no longer b tat close.. 1st time.. the beri 1st time tat we tink the same way.. .. thou its hurtin, but its gd la.. .. everitin shall proceed frm scratch.. start everitin afresh.. .. wat will b happenin in the future, i dono.. no1 noes, xecpt God.. so.. guess i jus haf to leave everitin up to him.. .. 'Lord, bless dis frenzship..'

haas.. aft toktin to her, my heart sumhw sagged.. den i msg winnie.. lolx~ she ask if i wana go for a drink, she can accompany mi.. at tat hr? 3am plus? nah nah.. haas.. den ask if i wana find sum1 to fight to release all my sadness.. sayin tat she's there for mi.. plz la.. winnie.. .. like wat i say, ltr still haf to spend money but a basket of fruits to visit u in hospital.. waa.. i piah u ar! still ask for water melon.. heavy u noe?? i luv my winnie.. cuz she luv mi as well.. ytd she herself was oreli so tired.. yet she insist to accompany mi to msg.. er.. she actually wanted to call mi la., but guess sum1 is usin the fone? den she cannot use.. haas.. but its ok la.. thou tok half way tink she had fallen aslp, but i reli appreciated it alot..

waa.. i'm sick le.. 3 days liao.. so terrible.. .. weneva i tok on fone, ppl tot i cry.. plz la.. wat so nice to b cry abt.. not tat fragile la.. haas.. hey guys.. i din cry ok? stop sayin tat i'm cryin!!!

well.. its a new beginnin.. there're loads of tins for mi to learn, for mi to master, for mi to change.. my future is waitin ahead for mi.. woo.. get movin esther!!!

wat haf i done man.. ..

Written @ 10:52 AM

jus reached home not long.. o's had finally over! wat a hard time to struggle thru all these paper.. nth gotto do wif studies, but all emotions.. ..

'forgivin is the most vital tins tat one can eva achieve..' wenting.. stop blamin urself.. i'm reli ok.. reli not angry wif u.. u r still my frenz, my sista.. i luv u.. ya? i noe u r merely concern abt mi.. reli.. i do.. tats y i don blame u.. if i don blame u, don blame urself either kk? i had told u.. for my blif, i trust tat if ones r remorseful abt tins tat dey've done, n apologised for it, dey ought to receive the forgiveness dey deserve.. .. reli.. forgiveness is vital.. those tat r remorseful, apologise for upteen times yet the other parties doesnt wan to forgive, its reli a hurtful n sad tin.. i've experienced it.. even now.. i don mind others don 4give mi, but i noe 1 tin for sure.. i wld wan to 4give.. i wan to let ppl feel the luv of 4giveness.. .. so wenting.. u r forgiven.. no doubts.. yes, u r.. if u r no1 to mi, i don even bother to tok to u out ytd.. ya? u r sum1 to mi.. n.. .. so is she.. .. for sure i means too much to her, guess if not she wldnt b so angry le.. .. usually we'll b more hurt by our ppl tat we hold closest to us.. .. ahh! drop the sub!

haf a tok wif joanne ytd.. finally i let out all my grief.. .. almost cried wen i tok to wenting b4 hand.. but.. i kept back my tears.. reframe dem frm flowin down my cheek.. readin her blog was the biggest torment for mi.. it was terrible n horrendous.. .. no tissues will b of enuf.. neither will towel do.. joanne hintin mi.. hintin mi to let go of such a tough frenzship.. not as in give up, but.. not b too close wif her animore.. we're of diff world, havin diff xpectation for tins.. we can nv b 2gether.. .. aniwae, i've settled everitin.. bel tin, wenting tin, joanne.. merely cleared all misunderstandin.. ..

mei mei said 'frenz r onli there to support u till the day u can stand on ur own.. if tat frenz cant wait till tat day, den u can onli depend on urself.. ..' i agreed.. frm dis incident, i took a step out.. frm mi n her frenzship, frm church, frm cell.. the min i step out, my view n vision r wider.. frenz in nid r frenz indeed.. i den noe clearly hu withdrew demslves frm mi, n hu stood in.. the process was truely griefin.. those tat i xpected to stay, left.. those tat i suppose to leave, stayed.. sad to say, i bein to isolate myself.. set a boundary for all ppl.. nv to let dem step too near mi.. for i noe, history will reflash.. i don wish to see the same tin happen again.. i din realise tat i haf such phobia till wenting touch on it ytd.. ..

i'm so dumb.. so stupid.. i did all tins to dis frenzship.. xcpet to pray for it.. .. hw stupid m i..

no reasons, but out of sudden, i self mutilate again.. lookin at my name tag, scissors, temptations came abt again.. .. the more grief in mi, the more i don feel the pain but to use more strength in slashin.. tot i cld easily leave all emotions aside, but i realise tat i cldnt.. *pray hard tat winnie not readin dis entry*.. ..

aniwae.. i reli wan to put down everitin.. the past is always the past.. nth i do can to wine back the clock, turn back the time.. i don wish to dwell on tat.. but as i say.. if tat cld simply b done, i wldnt b strugglin.. ..

nw holiday le! party time! gg to dye my hair, go pub, so chiong, go piercin.. reli wana enjoy myself.. suddenly got a strong urge to smoke again.. .. arrggh.. feelin terrible.. .. .. keep tellin myself no.. but guess i cant hold it ani longer.. ..

'rain down on me.. raine down on me.. here in ur presence i am free.. pour down like rain.. come touch me again.. Lord let ur presence fall on me.. ..'

~*+wu shen de lei.. .. / tears in slience.. ..+*~

i'm sori.. truely sori.. ..

Written @ 4:23 PM

aft readin her blog.. i den realise tat wateva hurt i've gone thru is nth compares to hers.. .. it hurts mi more wen i see her in such states, more over, i was the one tat caused it.. i'm reli sori, remorseful n apologetic.. yet i noe nth i do will eva heal dis wound of hers.. .. i finally realise tat perhaps she's not angry, but disappointed n sad to see mi behave dis way.. she's hurt.. i stil rem wat Pst Tan say.. 'tins tat u luv, once i lose it, u ought to feel pain, feel regret'.. .. tink dis revelation came in too late le ba.. .. nth will eva salvage dis frenzship.. .. its merely as compared to a broken pcs of glass.. ..

i don wan to promise ani1.. i don wana gif empty promises.. bro is rite.. changes bein frm dis min, dis sec.. i'm givin myself 1 yr.. 1 yr frm nw, life will nv b the same.. n it shall nv b.. Esther Leong, b more open for changes!!! winnie gave mi 2 choices.. 1st, if i wana die, she'll die wif mi.. tats ridiculars!.. 2nd.. if not, she wan mi to walk wif her dis journey.. .. argh~ tat blackmail kid.. her last sentence before she log off was 'i cant lose.. cuz i luv u..' .. *sob*.. cant even bear to strungle her thou i wanted to.. she's changin too.. if she can, y cant i do the same..? its onli abt attitude.. simply jus correct it n tats it!~ i'm not gg to care hw ppl look at mi, but God.. i will change.. frm dis min, dis sec.. i don care hw many ppl dislike mi, hated mi.. i jus don care.. i live life accordin to myself, not accordin to wat others say n hw dey tink of mi.. .. i keep tellin myself not to let go.. i din.. i'm still strugglin at the edge, clingin onto it.. its nv too late for us to return to our Lord n Saviour, Jesus Christ..

thx God tat i made up my mind.. nearly fell into devil's trap.. almost go into satan worshippin.. so close.. i was abt to download the satan bible.. .. i blame no1.. mainly myself.. losin sum1 tat means so much to mi perhaps is God's plan.. thru dis incident, i've reli learnt hw to treasure n cherish.. 2 person of diff character can nv b 2gether.. 2 person tat accept one another cannot b 2gether.. i totally agreed.. since cant b 2gether, den i let it go ba.. no use dwellin it.. na de qi, fang de xia, kan de kai.. thou i'm tat xiao sa, but still, at the inner n hidden point of my heart, it hurts mi so.. .. wat a big sacrifice for mi to learn dis lesson.. a heavy price to pay.. .. hope i can walk 2wards dis target i've set..

God.. wat r u doin? plz don.. don place winnie into my life.. .. plz plz.. i don wan her to end up like sz, like yl.. don like tat Lord.. plz plz.. .. i luv her n i don wan history to reflash.. .. keep her a distance frm mi plz.. .. p..l..z.. .. ..

luv u loads!

Written @ 6:59 AM

winnie the pooh? lolx~ tats sumtin tat i'm kinda sick of.. nah.. here cums a cute little winnie in my life.. .. she's frm bro valor cell.. haas.. nv tot i could chat wif her like we did jus nw.. she's reli nice.. she gave mi her 2 beloved posters.. aww.. so sweet of her.. .. er.. i reli luv the 2 posters, but sumhw i don feel comfortable takin it.. she herself luv it too.. haiz..

winnie is cute.. haas.. in tokin wise, in character wise, in personality wise, in looks too! wakaka~ she does look like Fish Leong.. (but doesnt sounds like her) opps! =X hey hey.. sorri wor winnie.. msg mi till ur fone no batt.. nw u gg out, i haf no idea hw u gg to contact ur frenz.. no batt le still wana straggle to msg mi.. haas.. so touched.. thx~ waa.. u do understands mi huh? lolx~ wen tokin on the topic of God n church.. guess u noe tat i would b reluctant to hear anitin, n u stop immediately.. haas.. .. gd sensitivity! lolx~ u too leh.. wat past is past le.. don slash urself hor.. well.. n of cuz, i wun slash u la! duh~ siao leh.. where got ppl call others to slash demself de?! kk.. i learn frm u.. 'gal.. don slash urself k? if u wan slash, cum slash mi..' kk? tat applies the same 4 u too..

still rem.. *tink back*.. .. i was at jeremy's place wen i 1st saw u.. u half tied ur hair.. u caught my attention leh.. 'waa.. wat a pretty gal..' but u seems too COOL for mi to walk over to haf u my HELLO.. (mus say she pretty.. she luv it de.. lolx~ if not nxt time no more posters~).. wakaka.. u wear till beri sporty tat time.. r u part of saintnergy as well? haas.. means u're gd in dancin too? cool..

winnie, here goes the song.. 'mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, mary had a little lamb.. .. bla bla bla~' hey.. nv bluff u.. i reli dono the song.. i onli noe till like tat onli la.. twinkle twinkle little stars can ma? tat 1 i noe whole song.. keke.. bah bah black sheep i oso dono full version.. don luff la.. bad leh u.. instead of luffin, teach mi hw to sing la.. .. den we can sing 2gether!!! wakaka~!

tell u 1 secret.. dis mornin.. .. dis mornin wen u msg mi.. .. i'm still slpin!!! LOLX!!! u tot i din slp hor? i did leh!!! keke.. -.-" hu wun b slpin at 4am plus u tell mi la.. .. ohoh.. i noe.. u lor! so early wake up for wat.. haas.. so hardworkin.. .. tml is our last paper le.. yahoo!!! can enjoy le!!! erm.. tot u oreli started enjoyin? lolx~ all the best leh.. don b despair over ur result kk? er.. pray for a beta result dis time round! amen?

hey hey.. stop viewin my frenster blog le.. tat 1 rot liao.. beri long nv touch.. wakaka.. wlcm to my new blog! u can tag here too.. wat is tag? tag means.. leave comments.. yeah~ ur ang mo gd? gd.. er.. den gd lo! wakaka.. not gd hor.. er.. .. don find mi.. cuz my ang mo oso not gd.. hahaX! eh.. wat m i tokin? bleh~ =P

last n for most, reli appreciate u alot alot alot.. thx 4 ur pair of listenin ears.. thx for sharin wif mi too.. u always say 'luv u!' to mi, make mi blush.. *tao yan*~ nw my turn le.. 'luv u loads!' mucky huggy to my beluv WINNIE!!! *muackz muackz muackz!!!*

grant mi death plz..

Written @ 8:35 AM

i've read a book abt worshippin satan.. visited sites.. .. ppl r sellin their souls to him.. .. the sign.. .. a star symbol.. they haf their own satan bible.. .. i'm gettin more into it.. worshippin satan, no pains, no hurts, no restrictions.. .. life is simple n plain.. .. so gd.. ..

church of satan? hw cum singapore nv sell satan bible?.. .. haiz.. ..

cyclin session wif jas.. ..

Written @ 2:09 PM

2day met jas up for cyclin.. waa.. tire pump cek.. wat a lousy estate.. not a single bicycle shop could b found.. pushed my bike all the way to bedok south.. means ard 2-3 bus stop away? under big hot sun.. kel msg mi.. 'huh! so poor tin.. tell u sumtin hor, i'm in air con room leh!' chop him inti pieces man.. arrggh.. keep msgin him till i'm lost of hw far i've walked.. but well.. aft all it seems quite fast to mi la.. haas.. thx God he msg mi.. he don allow mi to cycle in rain? lolx~ call mi find a blk n hide inside if not catch cold.. no wonder he's my projected boyfriend.. so loh soh.. wakaka~ felt so bliss.. opps? hahaX!
finally jas cum le.. aft eatin KFC, we head for EXPO.. waa.. wat a heavy down pour.. we're all soakin wet.. drunched.. but jas say since all wet liao, mite as well cont to cycle.. haas.. yeah.. do as wat she say lo.. frm bedok to EXPO, the route is super duper easy.. 1 way onli.. but.. its hard to cycle.. den frm EXPO we wanted to go tampines.. but.. sadly, we haf no idea hw.. so we decided to xlpore the route our ourselves.. we cycle n cycle for long, all unknown area.. haiz.. till we landed at highway.. haas.. got 2 way in front of us.. i was leadin the way all along, so.. i made a choice of choosin the rite lane.. haas.. faith had brought us to tampines!!! waa.. tats not the end.. reach tampines le still gona find where's the interchange.. dono hw we ride.. haas.. anihw ride oso can reach.. lolx~ since at tampines le, i shun bian go find my mummy lo.. waa.. kana nag by her.. y? cuz all wet ma.. haas.. den mummy pass mi extra t-shirt to change.. cycle ma.. cycle no nid to wear too nice de rite.. in the end cuz shoe wet, i go but a pair of slipper to wear.. waa.. whole attire so ugly.. .. jas oso tink tat she wear till beri nan kan.. we're prayin tat we wun meet ani1.. hu noes.. .. saw rizduan, sani, ivy, ivan, sandy, jac, zi qing, haikal, gina bla bla.. so many.. -.-" haass.. we're sumhw shoppin in TM? i den discovered sumtin.. both jas n i haf the same taste for almost everitin!!! woo.. reli havin lots of fun wif her 2day.. both our butts r pain aft 1 whole day of cycle.. aww.. .. 2day i reli beri happi.. haas.. so fun..
sum1 mentionin mi in her blog? dono.. haiz.. always indirection tokin or lecturin mi de.. aniwae, aft readin her blog.. i realise tat God is beri scary.. can make ones die, can makes 1 alive.. drop dead? gosh.. so scary.. but again, He blesses us.. He protected us.. so confusin.. .. which is the real God??.. jus nw in popular, i read a book abt worshippin devil; lucifer.. sold our souls to him.. doesn worship satan reli helps.. ..?
jus received a fone call frm joanne.. askin mi if i'm gg to new creation.. dame.. CG mems r doin wat dey r best in.. spreadin rumours.. wen did i eva say tat i'm gg to new creation? tot it was jas tat spread.. but it wasnt.. it was wenting.. bro tinks tat such rumours r ridiculars, n yet joanne n yanglin tinks tat its not even a rumour.. wat a great joke.. .. 'if u wana leave, den leave.. guess is u bound to let us wash our hands off..' <--- by yanglin.. of cuz i'll leave.. .. leavin soon le.. .. far n away frm dis land, frm this world.. .. u'll regret wat u say 2day.. such sorrows will follow u thru ur entire life.. sad to say.. yes.. once again.. thx for all u've done.. .. the greatest failure in ur life is.. nv haf u understand ur frenz.. .. work in it.. *smile*.. .. a final n last goodbye to u.. .. b..y..e.. .. ..

hmm..

Written @ 9:40 AM

kel, thx.. upon hearin tat i'm havin exams, kel msg mi early in the mornin at ard 7 plus.. 'Esther leong ying yu.. haha.. ltr de paper mus jia you ok..' simple msg lifted mi up again.. but the paper is at afternoon 2 leh.. iyo.. he woke up mi.. lolx~ nah.. aft tat i slp back again.. bleh!~

don slp back beta.. slp back le i dreamt of sumtin.. i dreamt of alot of my mems.. dream tat kel called mi up n chat wif mi on fone.. all the mems r happily enjoyin meal 2gether.. aft eatin, all of us parted.. i was wif raine.. den aft dono wat happen, wenting killed liang.. i dono y she do so.. but she seems of losin her control.. i was so grief wen i heard tat.. bel din noe.. n i noe is i tell her tat liang was dead, for sure she cannot take the blow.. dono y.. 1st time leh.. i so so so so grief in my dream.. mayb liang mean too much to mi? perhaps.. ..it was as thou i reli lose him in real life.. the feelin is there.. thou i din tok to yanglin, but so much so i wanted to call her n share wif her.. i was reli cryin non stop all the way.. but wen i abt to pick up the fone n call her.. .. zi yuan call mi.. -.-" den he woke mi up frm my dream.. stupid zi yuan.. almost can tok to yanglin liao leh! y wake mi up! sum more call n tell mi 'hey.. u still slpin ar.. rem at 2 got POA paper hor.. bye..' ahhh!!!! aarrrggghhh~

ytd dono y.. suddenly tot of shi zhen.. rem the days tat we're 2gether.. so fun so fun.. 1 yr 6 mths.. wateva we had gone thru.. still rem waited daily under her blk n go sch 2gether.. there was once i was late.. i rush there like siao.. n i suai suai fell down.. blood flows frm my knees down to my foot.. i don felt the pain.. but she was cryin.. haas.. i always bring her out to jian yi jian shi mian.. rem she luv to stand outside breadtalk, lookin at hw ppl toast n make bread.. n.. she can stand for nearly 1 hr.. -.-" but i'm willin to stand wif her la.. she luvs pooh.. n tats the main reason y i hated pooh bear.. haas.. at 1st i din noe hw cum she'll choose to leave mi.. but till recently, i finally understood.. its was all abt my attitude.. .. pains n hurts fills up mi like nv b4.. .. it took mi a long period 4 get over it.. .. real long.. .. ther're memories bein created everi single day.. .. she's onli part of my life.. .. yup..

all along i haf a secret in my life.. i''ve kept it for long.. onli joanne noes it.. reil wanted to share wif sum1.. but.. i dono hw to.. openin my mouth to dem is the toughest tins.. guess i'll cont to keep tis secret ba.. ..

jus nw msg yanglin.. tot she'll b outside.. she used to miss my long pang'in.. emm.. wats tat neh? means take my bicycle n gif her a lift.. haiz.. tot of makin an effort to go long pang her home.. hu noes she's oreli at home; slpin.. .. haiz.. nvm.. .. nxt time ba.. ..

2days bible seminar.. ..

Written @ 5:30 PM

dis mornin havin 2 paper.. so envy those tat finishes geo den can go home.. .. geo was tough leh.. iyo.. cannot blame.. cuz i nv study ma.. aft geo paper, went to KFC mum mum wif jas.. den at ard 11 plus we make our way back to sch again.. ah loy wana spot exams Qs for dem.. ya lo.. den aft tat i went to look for my classmates lo.. thx wee kiat.. i sat on the circular table, den he lifted the table n go ard.. haas.. a simple merry-go-round? but i enjoyed it.. make mi feels like i'm still a kid..
2 o'clock.. POA start le.. haiz.. die liao.. weakest sub.. but my policy.. nv give up.. 1those i reli dono hw to do, i tried all my best to complete the paper.. not like xian kang.. slpin thruout.. waa.. i tot the paper will onli last for abt 1 an a half hr.. hu noes.. it lasted for 2hrs.. wat a long paper.. .. shh.. i slept for 10mins durin the paper.. lolx~ aft paper, i dono where shld i go.. head for church straight? or.. go home change 1st.. either way i will b late.. tot of not gg le.. jus den raine called.. 'hey! u nw headin home ar? my dad fetchin leh.. i'll go pick u up?' waa.. thx God for raine, n of cuz her dad.. thou her dad onli manage to fetch us till paya lebah, but still i appreciated it.. aft all, we're not late.. haas.. still tryin to squeeze thru ppl n get to B4 wen we reached church.. lolx~
bought 2 taro pie, 2soft squit filtter n 2 cans of winter melon tea.. i onli manage to eat 1 soft squit filtter.. mong whole day nv eat. so i haf her my share.. thou i reli beri hungry.. but.. nvm la.. at least i ate sumtin.. left 1 more taro poe, den i let kel haf it.. guess he's beri hungry as well.. rush frm work n all tat.. ..
wen i sat comfortably at the seats, enjoyin the music n air con b4 the bible seminar starts, a letter was passed down to mi.. felt surprise? the more surprisin is tat it was frm kel.. i open up n read.. aft readin, tears flow immediately.. tears of happiness.. .. he cares.. concern abt my doins.. the letter goes 'dear esther, shock hor? suddenly send letter to u.. aniwae, hws studies? xin ku hor.. but nvm la.. xin ku onli for a few more days den holiday till siao liao.. hmm.. tat day heard tat u n bel got sum prom ar.. wat happen.. nth liao rite..? if got anitin mus say out k.. den we can share 2gether see wats gg wrong.. reli hope our cell grp will grow like other cell.. fo fun.. esther.. help bro n the cell ok..? lets work hard hao ma.. make E376 united n BIG!.. also mus pray for the cell grp more.. dun stop.. i will do tat too.. lastly, wateva u nid, jus tell mi.. i'll go 4 it wif u.. tats wat frenz r for.. amen? always care for u.. xie chen wei.. ..' so touched.. finally i den brought up the courage to tell him i'm leavin le.. i'll leave dis angelic task for him to fulfill.. i blif he can de.. he replied wif another letter 'sister esther, where u gg? y leavin? u not gg to leave God.. amen? where u go mus tell mi kk.. ltr i miss u, bel miss u, liang miss u hw? rite.. so don go la.. stay close wif us n grow wif us.. without u means without laughter man.. without u means without songs.. u sing all the time n we luv it.. so dun leave unless u're left wif no choice.. ..' kel.. noe him for 5 yrs.. 1st time he showed concern abt mi.. haas.. thx.. brother, i luv u.. ..
2day bible seminar is great.. greatly impacted mi.. days ago, jas told mi abt FEAR of LORD.. oh man oh man.. 2day pst kong touchin on it so seriously.. 2days bible seminar is merely for mi man.. oh gosh oh gosh.. i was found so guilty.. 'do not grief God nor Holy Spirit'.. .. sori Lord.. guess i've hurt Him far too much.. .. pst kong touched on abt forgivin as well.. yes.. forgivin is vital.. weneva i find it so hard to forgive, i shall ask God for help.. frankly speakin, i don dislike chengyee tat much le.. 1 reli forgave her? or.. is tat nw seldom tok nor even go out wif yanglin le, so her presence does not affect mi at all? dono.. but at least, its gd tat i no longer hate her.. ..
left 1 more wk wif my cell mems le.. the fewer the days left, the more tins i discovered.. tins tat i don see in the past.. tins tat i'm not aware of in the past.. .. once again, i luv my mems.. kel, i'll hand dem to u le.. nxt time left u guys chiong for seats for the rest of the mems liao.. jia you.. ..
on my way back frm church, zi yuan called mi.. haas.. he sounded so sad.. y? cuz he saw my frenster profile.. he tot i was ATTCHED! haas.. hw cum i myself din noe abt it? lolx~ he my lao gong ma.. cannot let him wear green cap.. (cuckold).. wakaka~
sum1 wrote sumtin in my tagboard.. i thx the person for his or her concern.. but sadly, he or she din wan to expose the name.. hey guys.. don eva leave a tag without leavin name kk? xie xie.. ..

2day.. ..

Written @ 12:31 PM

2day went out wif mummy.. she say wana go to my old hse area, den bugis.. haiz.. i call her go out 1st, den i nid to work on my blog.. new blogskin ma.. den alot tins nid to edit.. hu noes.. she went out withou her hp.. .. -.-" she say she's over my old hse there.. which is.. bedok north ave 2 there, n say she'll get back to mi again.. hw stupid m i.. change liao den go there look for her.. walk ard the entire area, cannot find her.. 1hr had gone.. yet i'm still searchin 4 her.. finally i received her call.. .. 'hey! where r u?? i'm over bugis liao leh! u reach le ma??' arrgghh~ wen did she eva call mi to mit her at bugis.. haiz.. she there waitin for mi.. den no choice lo.. take cab down.. den hor.. i call her don anihw run, i'll reach ard half an hr time, call her to b in OG shop shop till i come.. hu noes.. i go there.. waa.. search the entire OG for abt half hr.. still cannot find her.. ahhh!!! in the end she call mi, ask mi where m i.. haiz.. nvm la.. in the end found her.. ya.. den go eat wif her lo.. .. mummy nv bring enuf money, den at OG there cannot find ATM.. i told her 'don worry.. hw much u nid.. i haf..' she was like '$50'.. waa.. '$50 don haf.. onli got $30.. can ma?' haas.. ya.. she say she actually don nid tat much. $50 is for precaution onli.. ya.. so in the end she onli took $20 frm mi.. waa.. 1st time haf the kinda feelins tat i'm supportin mummy.. lolx~

jus nw while searchin for mummy.. i saw a jeans jacket.. yanglin wanted tat for along.. finally found her size.. small small de.. but hor.. tink its still too big for her.. ok la.. wana buy for her.. but.. mummy waitin.. haiz.. no choice.. i'll go again.. tat was reli a nice jacket, not beri ex oso.. .. promised her i will buy for her de durin her bdae, but.. din fulfill my promise.. let her bai bai happi.. ya.. will go n get it for her de.. i will.. ..

created a new blogskin.. haas.. dis blog skin was nicer.. but i love the song in my previous blogskin.. haas.. .. i will keep changin 'shirt' for my blog de.. waa.. its gona b tough.. haa.. changin n editin blog will use up alot of time..

jus nw help mummy in her cookin.. i peel the prawn skin.. wakaka.. den 1 prawn bu ting hua! slip off my hand,, den mummy jus nice saw it, n i tell her 'wei.. y u buy live prawn? see la.. jumpin ard..' keke.. (findin xcuses onli.. if not she say i dono hw to do hse work, simple task oso cannot do properly..) lolx~

kel jus called mi.. ask mi abt wat time we meetin tml for tabernacle, he say he'll b late, cuz he's workin, but yet he'll rush down.. he say he wana pia in workin.. den i was like askin him y lo.. he say wana book chelet for cell grp.. upon hearin tat, i felt so guilty.. but happi at the same time.. .. he's back.. reli back.. he's so willin nw.. to sacrifise for the cell grp.. but we shall i tell him.. tat.. i'm leavin..? haiz.. kel is so nice.. i like to go out wif him.. he's happenin.. open.. humourous.. gentlemen too.. the lost sheep is back.. God happi isnt it...? guess everi1 in heaven is rejoicin too.. .. kel, stay put.. jia you.. ..

thx to all.. ..

Written @ 5:06 PM

2day was out for the entire day.. wif jas.. study? lolx~ ended up tokin n chit chattin.. hmm.. got to noe her more n more.. she luv to share abt her ministry.. wat in happenin in Jams church n those tins tat she encountered there.. .. haas.. havin fun frm all the conversations we have.. enjoyed it.. thx jaslyn!

while jas was away for her tuition, i met yiwen up.. lolx~ er.. at times mus call her out la.. if not tat gal nor.. at home oso ani o hw tink tink de.. cannot let her tink too much.. lolx~ thx for her blessin! wakaka.. she blanja mi mac.. so sweet.. so nice of her.. .. thx yiwen!

erm.. nxt.. er.. nancy.. haas.. din noe u do read my blog.. aniwae.. thx for ur mail.. i do get wat u r tryin to say.. i noe wenting will b upset.. but i did xplained 2 her oreli.. guess she understands it? n.. edwin will nv b upset 4 such decision i made.. dint he made the same decision as mi mths ago? he aint a gd xample.. .. aft all.. we're no longer related.. not even frenz.. not tat i din wan, but he is the one tat is reluctant.. .. the more 4get abt him bein upset over my stuff.. .. but aniwae.. ya.. at least i noe at my darkest pt of my life, sum1 r there to care for mi, console mi.. appreciate u for tat.. .. i will see u again in church for the nxt few wks still.. don worry.. .. =)

yanglin, thx for ur 4giveness.. yup.. i thx God as well for helpin u to 4gif.. .. u litened my burden.. .. thou i noe u r rather reluctant due to all the hurts n bad memories i've caused, but i still haf to thx u for ur kind understandin of 4giveness.. .. xie xie.. ..

last but not least, thx mei mei.. nice 'sharin session' wif u.. lets cont wif our emailin kkz? guess we're both vunerable? haas.. lest worry abt mi.. for i've heard all those qiup for dono thousands millions times.. don always email mi n tok abt mi.. do share wif mi ur prom as well.. hao ma? =)

2 more wks to go.. i'll cherish n treasure everi min n sec spend wif u guys.. luv u all.. ..

God is not a toy.. ..

Written @ 1:01 PM

God is not a toy.. neither is salvation a toy too.. aft viewin the webby tat siok had given mi, i was greatly impacted.. thou its jus an anime, but it shows n tells hw impt we r to God.. hw He put us 1st in His priority.. Hw he protected us.. it was touchin.. frm tat min onward, i den begin to realise hw much i luv Him, n i cannot do without Him in my life.. it was contradictin.. i luv Him, yet i cannot obey Him.. sounded ridiculars.. others will tink tat i'm tokin crap, but yet wenting blif n trusted in wat i say.. thx wenting..

wen i log in to my frenster, read the testimonials tat others had wrote to mi, i pause wen reaches bel's.. .. 'i'll brave the storm wif u! wen i say it, i mean it! we'll run the race together! we r worrior of Christ!' bla bla bla.. .. her tstimonial so much so touches mi.. but yet.. its all lies.. .. haas.. where is she nw? not even a sight of her.. my attitude toward her remains unchange.. but hers towards mi was far far far away at north pole.. (COLD).. well.. i don haf a nid to feel upset.. aft all.. i oreli noe at the beri beginin tat she's not the one for mi durin my hard times.. .. so.. nth reli to b upset abt.. ..

ppl ard mi all leave 1 by 1 le.. prom reli lies on mi? i ought to do sum reflections.. my webby add is nice.. it suits mi.. 'esther in the wonder land'.. all along i'm leadin my own life.. haas.. life is meaningless.. y eatin so much panadols do no help.. y slashin my wrist do no help.. the amount of panadol i ate was not enuf? or i did not slash deep enuf to end dis sucky life of mine off? i shall work harder on it then.. ..

so vex so vex.. wana jio ppl out for a drink of vodka, yet.. haas.. i can tot of no1.. .. tat day call raine up.. wana tok to her.. but she was tired.. she say to tok other day.. called joanne up.. same tin.. sum more promised to call mi back the nxt day but as usual, she din.. .. bro reprimanded mi.. sayin tat i face computer too long hrs? sms ppl, no1 reply, call ppl, no1 wana tok, find ppl go out, found no1, at home, not even a soul ard.. of cuz i face computer.. as least i m doin sumtin den to lie down on bed rottin n mouldin..

amazingly.. my fone had not been ringin for long.. .. its time to put it in the coffin le.. pst kong say onli dead person not doin anitin.. nor.. my fone die le.. ..

i nid more courage to end off dis life.. .. its hell-like to mi.. i don mind gg hell.. noein clearly tat i wldnt b gg to heavenn either.. wats the diff den.. cont to stay n suffer, mite as well end it off earlier.. .. tat time ate 8 panadol a shot doesnt help.. dis time round i mus try out wif 12.. .. den 16.. till i succeed.. .. life is so empty.. haas.. endin it off soon le.. fear not.. away frm all suffers.. ..

holiday job.. ..

Written @ 5:04 AM

yoz yoz.. nw havin exams.. but even b4 holiday, i oreli got offered modellin job.. cool~ not for looks, nor for figure, but cuz of my height.. advantage in tat? lolx~ 1 of dem offered contact.. sayin tat if more n more ppl approach mi to b their model, i will get paid more.. the other 1 go by hr.. per hr $20-30.. .. den shoot accordin to my mood.. wakaka~ if i don feel like it, 2hrs can le.. if i got the mood to shoot, den jus cont lo.. n if everitin turns out well, i will haf my own album.. the others condition not gd, i don even bother to respond.. but the greatest joke is.. .. I M NOT INTERESTED!!! wakaka~ thou the amount offered is attractive.. but i'm not move.. still prefer my pasta mania.. but.. aniwae.. don tink aft o lvl i will go back.. i don reli enjoy workin there.. haiz.. try lookin for another job? mayb.. ..

ytd chat wif jaslyn.. wow.. wat a serious coversation we had.. lolx~ jas is sum1 soooo nice to tok to.. her reaction is funi at times as well tat enable mi to luff off my chair n roll on the floor.. .. wakaka~

i was rather happi ytd.. to hear bel sing for yanglin.. 'tell yanglin i luv her~ tell yanglin i nid her..~' may dis simple song bring the both of u closer.. ..

it touches n impacted mi..

Written @ 6:03 PM

jus gotten a webby frm my frenz.. .. i got so touch aft viewin it.. u guys shld go n take a look too.. its abt hw impt we r to Jesus.. .. wat he did in our life.. its an anime.. plz enjoy.. ..

www.donghaeng.net/english/main.htm

a new blog, a new start, a new beginin.. ..

Written @ 5:06 PM

'as a new chapter begins.. ..' haf a new blog.. haas.. x much ppl will noe abt dis blog le, cuz wun b updated in their hotmail.. .. can reli SHARE in dis blog.. ..

i luv my mems.. but tins r so diff.. .. i leave, x bcuz of bro, x bcuz of yanglin, x bcuz bel, but merely bcuz of myself.. .. i yearn for the 2 more lessons on tabernacle.. aft which i will leave le.. .. 2 more wks to stay wif dem.. i cherish n treasue everi min n sec wif each n everi of dem.. .. thou nv tok to sum mems, but everi glance satisfy my desire.. .. seein dem smile, seein dem luff.. it jus pleases mi.. .. the reason 4 mi leavin, is simple, but yet stupid.. .. at least, it sounded logical to mi.. .. i leave, cuz.. i cant mit the standard of others.. i cannot, n will nv achieve the 'christ-like' standard.. no use forcin n falsehoodin myself to meet others critiria.. .. i've tried.. but.. failed.. ..

once i leave, nv will i noe wen will i eva see dem again.. haas.. almost near to impossible to meet dem.. .. its ok.. its my decision.. i shall not regret.. .. perhaps i will? but.. sumtin 4 sure.. i will nv return.. .. 1st time reli gg thru my life w/o christ aft receivin salvation.. .. noein tat life will b terrible w/o Him.. .. but still.. i'm stupid enuff to make such decision.. .. aft all.. no means stayin too.. .. tins r diff.. relation betwn mems r no longer the same.. .. b4 i leave, i'll resolve all misunderstandin.. .. n wif tat, i'll den b able to leave in peace.. ..

my attitude is bad i noe.. but.. tats the way it is.. i don nid ppl to overlook nor condone wif wateva i've done.. .. jus wan to find a bunch a frenz wif the same character n personality tat accepts mi.. n i noe for sure, cell mems r nv the bunch.. .. accept the tins u cant change, n change the tins u cant accept.. .. no matter hw bad a person attitude were to b, it will nv determine the amount of luv he or she had for God.. .. i may not b as obedience as other christians, but as least i noe, i do not sin against God.. .. i luv Him.. .. but all luv shall cease the min i decided to leave.. ..

a final gd-bye to all my bluv church frenz.. .. CG mems.. n God.. .. bye.. ..