My love for you sank to the bottom of the ocean..

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Photo of the Day

Lost in love..

Wishlist

Here are the items!
~~1) Itouch~~
~~2) Skull Candy~~
3) Fred perry button shirt
~~4) Watch~~
5) Gucci wallet
~~6) Crumpler sling bag~~
7) Skaters Cap
8) Digital Camera
~~9) Clothes~~
~~10)White shoes~~
11)Accessories (tie, bowtie, brouch, vest etc..)

sick

Written @ 5:36 PM

haiz.. was still tellin yanglin tat i wasnt sick dis mornin.. hu noes.. .. nw my nose r fully blocked.. .. sneeze n sneeze n sneeze.. ahh.. ahhh.. ahhh... AHHH CHOO!!!!~ haiz.. tml goto work.. its ah pa shift.. don feel like saboin it.. haiz.. feel so terrible.. ahh.. i'm sick again..~

haiz.. die le.. everitime speak canto.. nw my hockkien like shit like tat.. .. but ok la.. haas.. thou deprove, but still not as bad.. =) best in canto.. of cuz la.. everiday oso speak canto.. lolx~ hw can not b gd?.. tok to mi in canto if poss.. lolx.. my eng, chi, hockkien, everitin oso sux.. left canto onli.. muhahaX~ hmm.. 4get it ba.. non of my frenz noes canto.. =.="

haiz.. wana care for steve, he flare mi off.. den in the end apologise.. wana care for joannem, she did the same.. haiz.. i've learn to b of beta patients, but y others seems to b like.. er.. haiz.. nvm.. well.. ya.. like wat bro told mi b4.. try to b understand ba..

NV TAKE GOD FOR GRANTED.. yanglin said de.. .. waa.. such a strong, powerful n impactin sentence.. make mi step back a little.. lolx~ hmm.. aft all.. i guess i still haf to meditate further on it.. yup..

i wana rest le.. bi ti kip on drippin.. haiz.. AH CHOO!~ *sniff sniff* iyo.. haiz.. wan an bloggy..~ nitey nitey.. ..

rot at hm..

Written @ 3:24 PM

sat again.. sianz.. was editin my new blogskin wen ze called, wanted mi to help him get frieda n glenns' bdae present.. is like.. y mi? i don mind doin it, but.. 1st, i don haf money wif mi.. 2nd, i'm not gg svc.. is like.. weird? he wans mi to meet up wif jas, get CG fund frm her den go buy.. wat a news.. CG fund onli left 20 over bucks.. where will b enuf for the presents of 2 person.. iyo.. .. fine.. i cancel off everitin in the templates, logged off.. since meetin jas, since buyin presents, i tot of makin my way down for svc.. we suppose to mit at 2.15.. den jas change it to 2.30.. den 3.. den say she'll rush down asap.. in the end call mi go but myself.. i was reli dame furious man.. is like.. if i got the money, do i still nid to go wif u? dso i still nid to wait for u? piang eh.. i was done preparin n stuff, each time i was abt to step out of my hse, tats wen her 'delayin' msg came in.. in the end i got so tu lan, i change back my hm clothes n msg her, tellin her to get ze to buy frm attributes, i DON WAN to meet her animore.. dame.. if i noe, i jus cont wif my edition of my blog man.. nah.. i went to take a nap aft changin.. all the way slp till evenin.. still rem at ard 4.50, jas msg mi to apologise.. i mean.. ya.. she do haf valid reason, so is like.. .. haiz.. forget it ba.. *simmer down*

bro handed us a project.. makin CG t shirts n CG directory.. seems cool huh? i was rather xcited abt it at the beri beginin.. but as days goes, my passion dimmed.. not as in i'm no longer interested, but is like.. everi1 is doin sumtin.. wat abt mi? i cant drw.. reli cant draw.. i spent everi of my nite designin but yet all rubbish came out.. i tore paper aft paper.. yanglin did alot.. reli alot.. aizhen too.. i noe she's started.. but mi? wat m i doin?? nth.. simply nth.. yanglin had even designed the t shirt for mi.. .. her design is cool.. nice.. i luv it.. but is like.. bro wanted mroe design.. i got no idea wat to do le.. i dono hw to use com to draw.. not even usin hand.. xin you yu er li bu zu.. (got the wills to do it but don haf the strength).. i've check out the price for the shirt n prints.. is like.. the nike shirt looks nice.. tats the lowest i can get le.. $25.90.. include the prints will b like $30 plus minus? its nike u noe? its oreli so cheap.. other shops sellin at $30.95.. yet in the end, bro wanted everitin to b below $20.. i reli haf no idea hw to go accordin to his words.. den CG fund got no money.. piang.. BBQ i pay.. don tell mi in the end all the printin oso i pay.. its not abt money.. its not even the 1st time i'm payin tins for CG.. but is like.. wen can CG eva stop owin ppl money? wen can mems b regular at payin CG fund? i'm beri pek cek.. the 'heat' is hittin at the top of my head le.. boilin point man.. ahhh.. i'm busy.. aizhen busy.. so is yanglin.. hw to meet hp doin tins.. all along i wanted to meet dem up.. but is like.. we don haf a chance to.. even if we do, i was askin myself 'meet liao den do wat?'.. i dono.. i reli dono.. is like.. if dis yr Easter were to b like last yr, celebrated in march, i'm gona b doom.. design not out, shirt not yet buy nor even print.. money not collected.. everitin not done!!! but at least, i'm pleased.. durin the project, there'r reli arguements btwn mi n yanglin.. but bro says 'as a gd leader, plz settle it in a Godly manner..' yep.. i tried.. i mean.. both gave in? :) i'm please tat we noe hw to settle la.. ya.. aft small quarrel, we cont workin 2gether again.. *smile*

liang call mi to wat changin appetite wif him tml.. plz la.. hw many times i told him tat i no money.. I NO MONEY!!! NO MONEY NO MONEY!!! i reli dono hw to scold him.. got money dono hw to save up.. everiday tok on fone.. his is not incomin free lor! he usin top up card.. 1 card can onli use for 1 to 2 days.. mine can use up to few weeks ar! y don he noe the importance of savin up.. if he reli haf money, den contribute to CG fund can? ahh.. i don wish to scold him everitime he calls mi out to haf fun.. its gd.. but wat i wan is onli for him to control his money.. tats all.. the way i see him spend money is like throwin tissues into the bin like tat.. ahh.. pek cek ar!!!

i got no money.. reli no money.. i still nid another $100 for CHEC.. i din reli spend much dis mth.. but a huge portion goes to CHEC.. haiz.. i've nv been so thrifty in my entire life sia..
nah.. cumin up i nid to make my spect.. reli cannot see tins le.. everiday play com.. degree shoot up to 200 over le.. den i nid to buy an addidas jacket b4 sch reopenin.. if not i'm gg to freeze inside my classrm.. oso nid to buy new clothes.. i cant b wearin all my 'kiddin' shirts to CHEC ba..?.. den i nid to set aside $100 for BBQ oso.. ahh.. so much money gone.. 'God, plz throw a huge sum of money down to mi on my bdae hao ma...? plz..'

stayin at hm is killin.. i begin to hate my dad more n more.. seein him makes mi puke.. stayin under the same roof as him makes mi feel like runnin away frm hm.. everiday i hear vulgarities.. door slammin session.. n at times, my hse turns into WWF stage.. sori.. no more WWF.. is WWE.. world wrestlin entertainment.. its a daily routine.. try if i slam my door as well? haas.. sure got beaten up by him.. he can slam, but don allow us to slam.. he can scold vulgarities, but don allow us to scold.. seriously, i rather stay in homes den to see his face everiday.. mummy always call mi to go down to her work place to brin back wateva she had da pao for him.. i don mind bringin back the food.. but sori to say.. not for him.. i will jus take my own sweet time down.. he got hands got legs.. dono hw to go downstairs eat ar?! wun starve to death de la.. yes.. i consider him still my dad last time cuz he reli did pay for my sch fee.. but frm nw on.. he no longers.. i pay for my own fee.. i'm workin.. i'm on my own.. u r nobody to mi.. i don call him dad.. even wen i tok to my mum, i will always say 'eh.. ni de LAO GONG.. .. bla bla bla'.. her husband.. but not my dad..

i had enuf.. reli enuf.. wen can all these stop.. ..

cumin wk i noe it'll b a nice wk.. ah pa (leslie) workin mornin shift.. but on tue, i workin full shift.. gona get scoldin frm lawson again.. there isnt a day whereby he don scold mi.. .. hate him man.. cannot blame tat i always late n sabo his shift.. hu call him so kao peh.. if ah pa call mi to xtend, i don mind.. i don mind doin anitin ah pa wans mi to.. cuz ah pa treats mi nice.. but lawson? nv did i stay even if he xtended mi.. bibles says tat wateva ways u wan others to treat u, haf the same treatment to dem.. .. haiz.. soon, liang will b gone le.. he gona transfer to suntec.. our branch sellin liquor, den liang haben reach 18, so cannot workin in RT le.. sianz.. bel gg suntec too.. kate, erika, shaun all quittin le.. all sch reopenin liao ma.. haiz.. *sad*

ahh.. been havin sore throat for days le.. nono.. is a wk le.. haiz.. pain pain..

ytd aizhen n i make our way down to queensway.. den shop shop ard there.. den aft tat aizhen went to cut her.. haas.. i accompanied her.. cool.. she cut in branded 'salon' one leh.. lotsa of her hair gone.. but hor.. mike n ze say no diff leh.. haas.. actually.. i oso tink no diff leh.. but i was there in the salon wif her ma.. reli alot alot alot of her hair gone.. i can prove tat.. muhahaX~ aft tat met up wif ze, den went to cartel to eat.. waa.. i ordered the pork rib.. its such a BIG n HUGE servin!!! i cant finish.. haas.. while eatin, we waitin for mike as well.. he work in cartel de ma.. he like so shy saw us like tat.. lolx~ nono.. not us.. is saw aizhen.. wakaka!~ i din say he's a gay boy.. but he claim himself as one wen he saw aizhen appearin in cartel.. lolx!

tml meetin liang for movie.. ahh.. its a MUS!!! min gave mi a ticket of free admission in GV.. mus use it b4 march.. so call liang out for movie instead of eatin changin appetite.. cheaper ma..

no1 noes.. but my fav place is actually bedok res.. i luvs sittin there, lookin at the wavey water, enjoyin the breeze.. moreover, there isnt as much ppl as beach.. feelin low, upset, 1st tink i wana do is to go there.. .. but i will always leave b4 evein time.. hmm.. cuz.. bedok res 'not clean'.. .. bedok res is a place filled wif memories.. still rem.. i fell into the water yrs back.. was bleedin all over due to the soild rock hidden underneath the water.. .. wat a day.. haas..

i wan nth.. but jus hopin for a peaceful n simple life.. .. ..

sick

Written @ 10:28 AM

i'm sick.. feelin terrible..

drowned in a pool of blood.. ..

outin at ECP

Written @ 9:15 AM

went bladin wif kun, mong, tai tai, liang n steve.. haas.. i'm gettin beta n beta wif my balde.. learnin stunts.. wakaka.. tat liang.. feel so much like crashin him.. say i blade till beri slow.. not slow wat.. is he fast.. esther takes precausion de hor.. i don wan to fall down den in the end here got scar there got scar.. i still wan my beautiful bosy n pretty face de.. lolx! everitin was great.. taught tai tai hw to blade.. den mong hor.. waa.. cannot make it leh.. scream scream scream at her top of her voice.. her lungs abt to cum out le la.. hahaX~ den kun was like huggin n huggin? wakaka! scare she fall ma.. i enjoyed most is wen all of us jump into the cold icy water.. er.. wait wait.. onli out feet went in.. not bosy.. lolx!!! the water reli cold leh.. *burr~* den we was like askin one another abt the critiria for our life time partner.. lolx.. mong started it de.. wakaka~ steve likes ang mo speakin de leh.. wooo~ hahax.. den we were like singin like nobody's buzz.. so nice~ but is like.. wat a CG outin without leader, n wif onli ard 5 mems? wat a joke man.. .. haiz.. nvm.. use to it le.. ..

went to meet yanglin at nite.. fetch her frm work.. was her last day at KFC.. was tinkin of ridin my bike to fetch her de.. but.. lai bu ji leh.. haiz.. wan her to haf the 'hweelin' in the past wen i used to long pang her back frm KFC to bus inter.. haas.. but in the end.. er.. still.. we walked.. lolx~

i was giddy ytd.. dono y.. suddenly blackout.. lolx.. its wasnt the 1st time le.. but hit hit my head can le.. muhahaX~ old liao old liao.. keke~

din went to work 2day.. too giddy to get out of my bed.. body jus sumhw 'pasted' on it.. reli thx God for havin mi dis job.. the workin days n hrs r far to flexible den ani of u can eva imagine.. wakaka~ wan work den go.. don wan den jus slp at hm lo.. opps~ wrong xample.. cannot cannot.. keke~

iyo.. i got sudden crave to sing kbox leh!!! haha! ths crave sticks to mi beri long le.. but hor.. no money leh.. haiz.. onli can on my speaker n sing in my rm.. same de la.. no mic, den take toilet roll oso can de.. hulala~

cumin up steve is gg to book a bbq pit at his condo.. lolx.. use it to celebrate my bdae.. tai tai, my honey, liang, mong n kun all gg.. but is like wen i ask bro, he din even wan to reply mi.. .. .. haiz.. nvm.. so long so long tat i've nv reali celebrate my bdae.. so envy others wen their parents bring dem go restaurant eat, gif dem ang pao.. but is like.. usually mummy oso cannot rem my bdae.. its jus an ordinary day to mi.. at times, it was far too 'simple' till i forgotten myself too.. haas.. everi yr no present, no bdae atmosphere, no cake, no party.. .. but its ok.. dou xi guan le.. =( 'zhu w sheng ri kuai le' by landy.. 'sheng ri kuai le.. wo dui zi ji shuo.. la zhu dian le.. ji mo liang le.. .. ..' sing for myself.. *smile*

iyo.. johan ask mi wen i'm free, wana call mi out.. erm.. lolx.. i where got time for him.. wakaka~ i everiday oso got tins on.. kees.. pai seh wor johan!

dono y suddely beri slpy.. mucas drippin again.. haas.. thx God is onli mucas, not nosin bleedin.. wakaka~ opps.. CHOY! *touch wood touch wood*

off day

Written @ 4:04 PM

off 2day.. was rottin at home.. thx God sandy offered herself to accompany mi.. went to suntec wif her, den ate CJ.. lolx.. gosh.. was tinkin tat there goes my discounts, cuz there's nth i can prove myself as a staff frm CJ.. hahax! guess wat?! i saw Edward n the management ppl!!! let mi introduce.. hu is Edward? He's one of the BOSS in CJ.. waa.. BIG BIG rank..~ haha.. but he's nice de.. n due to their presence there, i gotton my discount!!! keke..~

jus nw got ppl called, den say i won a free cruise trip to thailand leh.. den got free spa voucher, free dis free tat.. bla bla bla.. i slammed the person off.. plz la.. tryin to cheat 3 yrs old kid? i don blif in all these.. opps.. wat if i reli did won all tat??? haas.. nah.. i'm not greedy.. not onli mi.. but.. WE shall nv b greedy k? greed kills.. yeah..

ahhh!!! CHEC ppl called!!! i.. i.. my applications was successful!!!! AHHH!!!! *happi happi* dey wan mi!!! dey accepted mi!!! for so long tat i've nv been so happi b4..! but i will b under probation.. haiz.. dey gona observe mi for 3 mths.. die le la.. =( but its still a gd news! yey yey!!! hurrayyy!!!~ gona haf new ez link le!!! hmm.. dis time round gona take nice nice foto.. had regretted for my past ez link, student pass n IC, so dis new ez link cannot b ugly!!! muhahahx!!!

went to fetch yanglin den see her hm.. i jus loaded JJ's new songs into my MP4.. gosh.. 2 songs onli she oso can listen so long.. repeat n repeat n repeat.. =.=" saw jac at bus stop aft parted wif yanglin.. waa.. wei jie so nice.. send jac hm.. lolx~ den i went to wait for my bus.. waited for half an hr to 40 mins like tat.. so long man.. nv haf i waited so long for a bus.. wait till pek cek ar.. haiz..

yanglin wanted to get a new fone leh.. but hor, she got not enuf money.. i say to gif her mine, she doesnt wan.. den i say to sell her at wateva price she wan, she oso don wan.. dono wat she tinkin on her mind.. she beri fussy de leh.. dis fone don wan tat fone don wan.. search so long for her, den in the end everitin oso don wan.. =.=" haiz.. but nvm.. will try my best to find for her de!

ytd i had a nitemare! gosh.. i dreamt tat i had accidently knock down chengyee's discman.. den she go complain to yanglin leh!!! yanglin TIAO mi like she nv did b4 sia.. den wen i wana xplain, she don wana hear mi out but walk off wif chengyee!!! ahhh!!! don like tat dui wo.. i scream scream scream den wake up le.. *phew* its was jus a dream isnt it? thx God it was.. ..

lolx.. cannot call 'dear', yanglin mistook le.. muhahaX~ REIJI send mi a mms.. he sang for mi as he promised dispite of havin sore throat.. so nice so nice.. *touched* thx reiji.. i sang for him as well.. he say nice leh.. wakaka~ *blush* keke~ tml he call mi go dinner, but too bad.. no money leh.. so.. gona miss it.. he apologise for not buyin mi valentine's day present.. iyo.. he will guilty de meh? lolx.. his pattern i noe too well le.. apologise for the sake of apologisin.. opps~ haas.. no la.. yaya.. i'm understandin de k? he currently havin exams.. so.. ya.. can b forgiven.. lolx~

happi bdae nian jie! lolx.. sori.. 4gotton ur bdae.. oh.. u stop msgin mi le.. nvm.. wait till nxt mth ba.. ya.. noe tat ur free sms for dis mth over le.. hey hey.. haas.. u say alot of guys get my num frm u, list mi all their names!!! wakaka! i wan dem ALL!!! opps~ nah.. in my heart got ppl le wor~ *blush blush* wei.. noe u so many years le.. wen r u gona find a gal n settle down? everiday play bball.. marry bball as wife la~! bball bball bball.. cannot stand u.. aniwae, nxt time don haf to everiday oso sms mi de.. don waste ur sms.. save save save k?! (the shop n save commercial) muhahahx!

hmm.. tml sat le.. 1st time i will b absent myself frm svc.. request for 1 mth break frm ze.. yup.. he approved.. no more CG, prayer meetins nor svc for mi for dis 4 wks.. jus wana get tins rite.. ze told bro abt it.. bro called mi.. but i din pick up his call.. i mean.. seriously, i find tat ze seems more like my CGL den bro does.. dono la.. i'm so far so far frm bro.. .. or i can say, we've nv been near..

liang, i din quarrel wif u, don anihw go ard tellin others tat i quarrel wif u!!! dame man.. no money will cum to mi, no1 to go out wif will cum to mi.. if u guys don nid anitin, i cldnt even get to see u guys shadow! tats wat frenz r for? funi.. i don fancy all tat.. i don nid u all la.. plz.. aniwae, my life is still gd aft all.. nth small, tiny n minor shall waver my emotions.. no way man~

i'm nw enjoyin more n more workin in CJ.. yeah.. onli there i can reli enjoy myself.. of cuz, not if lawson is ard.. i like the ppl there.. kate, erika, shaun, ben, mau mui, christina, n my ah pa leslie!!! luv u all man.. *muack muack*

i can b sad, but nv to dwell in my sadness.. yes.. tat shall b the case..

poem..

Written @ 1:55 PM

'tears had flow n heart had dried,
wif reddish swollen pair of eyes..
i call out loud to u,
hopin u were jus beside..
perhaps u did, perhaps not..
the room was still; all mi alone..
its was dark, cold n scary..
sittin at a coner, i wept..
sayin softly 'God, where r u..'
i heard a voice den,
n assurely i knew, it was u..
speakin into my ears n say
'i m always here wif u..'

super duper sad..

Written @ 1:21 PM

others happily celebratin valentines' day wif their luv ones, n i'm workin pathetically in CJ for full shift.. call liang to cum at 8 to take over mi, he doesnt wan.. dame shit, everitime wan mi to take over him, call him take over mi for 1 time like will die like tat.. took a few hrs off to go for interview at CHEC.. dame man.. simple route oso dono.. suppose to go wif yanling, in the end she brought a TROUP wif her.. den let mi wait for 2 hr plus.. directed her dono hw many times still dono.. wa piang eh.. went wif xcitment, but return wif sank heart.. nw den i realise tat honesty is nv gd.. we can nv b too frank.. .. dey ask if i haf ani diciplinary prob, as in if i were eva been called into principal office or toked to DM.. i replied 'ya.. alot of times..' .. dey stare at mi wif shockin eyes n go stunned.. 'for wat reason?' i replied 'alot.. rude.. attitude.. smokin.. lotsa ear holes, tinted hair.. .. n so on n so forth..' dey flip thru my report bk, n asked 'y r there so many days tat u nv go sch?' i replied 'hmm.. don feel like gg.. ..' n dey cont 'so means play truent la?' i was like 'er.. .. ya.. ..' the quests bein ask were a whole chunk of list.. no no.. its as thou toilet roll.. all the way down n yet still rollin.. .. i doubt dey'll accept mi.. i mean.. i can feel it la.. aft all.. hu wld eva wan a student like mi.. .. hopeless.. .. haiz.. put in my money, all my hopes n in end.. .. arrggh.. forget it man..

i was surprise.. mummy din reli say anitin abt my results thou she knew tat i did badly for it.. aniwae, aft gettin result, i locked myself in rm for days.. guess she knew hw upset i were ba.. .. she strongly against mi gg to CHEC in the past wen i used to mention to her.. but nw.. she agreed.. nv did she mention abt my results again aft tat day she neg half way, i walked in to my rm n slam the door.. but.. tins seems to b in a total diff at dad's side.. i bcame 'transparent' again.. its ok.. got used to it le.. ..

these few days was leslie's shift.. my ah pa.. he's jus so nice.. lawson wldnt allow mi to do delivery even if i volunteer myself.. leslie gave mi the chance to.. =) tat day went to clifford centre to deliever.. gosh.. stupid designer.. i took lift to 2nd floor, den walk out, change another lift to take to 20th floor.. den walk out again to take to 22nd floor.. =.=" y cant the lift go straight up to 22th floor??? don understand.. den ytd went to MRT there to deliver.. 2day further.. its at singapore river there.. sooo far.. my ah pa call mi take cab.. is like.. wen i alite, its onli $2.60.. 20 cents journey onli!!! =.=" but it was far la.. he said to take cab back.. but nah.. i walk back frm there under hot scorchin sun.. n to their amazed, i used such a short time to send delivery.. lolx..

nearly lost my fone 2day.. was searchin for it ard 45 mins.. everi in CJ involves in the search.. call n call.. my fone did rang, but no1 ans.. proven tat no1 actually took it.. cuz if sum1 does, it wld haf been switch off.. the search goes on.. find here n there.. my apron, counter area, kitchen, office, our belongins area.. .. n aft 45min.. i finally rem.. .. tat i left it at the cartons of syrup there!!! lolx~ wakaka.. cant afford to lose my fone., simply luv it too much.. more over, i reli haf no more money for another fone.. .. haiz.. so poor.. kate din cum 2day.. haiz.. no fun.. no1 sing to mi.. her voice was reli reli reli beri nice.. both erika n her joined sinpore idol.. n.. dey got in for the nxt round!!! cool.. promised kate tat i will go support her if her face was shown on TV.. lolx.. she call mi bring those name board, n call mi to write 'ERIKATE' on it.. the conbination of erika n kate.. even either of dem dint manage to make it to the nxt round, den jus cut the board off n reuse.. lolx.. either left erika, or kate.. muhahaX~ interestin.. ..

realised tat bro had changed.. all his time contributed to tat gal.. to his job aft he had promoted to zone sec.. tins were no longer the same.. nv did he haf time for us ani more.. .. there was a few times i called, wanted to tok to him.. but guess wat.. b4 i cld even finish my 1st sentence, he said 'esther lets tok on sat.. i'm busy nw ok? ya.. hmm.. bye..' n there.. the line went dead.. .. i tink i nid ze more den i nid him.. ze cares.. i mean.. bro too.. but jus as i say, tins were no longer the same.. .. r ppl leavin mi? or m i driftin further n further frm dem.. ..?

'heal the world.. make it a beta place.. for u n for mi n the entire huam race.. there r.. ppl dyin.. if u care enuf for the livin.. make a beta place for u n for mi.. ..' dis song was sang n composed by micheal jackson in the year 1991.. it was a meaningful song.. .. ..

results

Written @ 4:00 PM

Esther is dead for the past few days.. but she's alive once again! everi of u wana noe hw much i score.. wats the point of noein? well.. i can onli say tat i did beri badly.. reli sad.. my results r even lousier den my sec1 days wen i dropped to NA.. wat a blow.. so plz.. stop askin guys!!!

was despair.. reli got no idea where to go n wat to do.. was avoidin mummy.. lock myself in my room for days.. haiz.. aft much dicussion wif ze, i've finally made up my mind.. the eva best decision made.. to go CHEC.. nv in my life did i go so deep into tots.. haiz.. so much of my brain cells got killed.. guess ze's one too.. haas.. thx ze..! gg CHEC isnt a simple tins n task for mi.. all along mummy disapprove of tat.. she doesnt wan mi to go.. but is like.. 2day i met her.. she was like 'so hw.. way u intend to do..?' if i tell her i wana go CHEC, for sure she'll scream at her top of her voice.. but still, i made a stand for my choice, my furture.. i told her 'i wan go CHEC.'.. cool.. praise the Lord! she said 'hmm.. ok.. i don advice u to go ITE oso.. hao ba..' haas! guess she reli see tat i've crack my brain in plannin n tats the reason y she'll allow mi to go! but sad enuf, she's not payin for my fee.. so.. i've got to work n pay for my own sch fee.. it isnt cheap.. $390 per mth.. er.. studyin in CHEC is KILLIN!!! cannot slp, cannot copy homework, cannot pon teng.. if not.. .. bro will noe!!! haha..~ but i wun de.. cuz.. i wan to do well dis yr! i don wan to waste my time go there slpin!!! everi1 is so supportive.. cannot disappoint dem.. like wat yanglin say.. its reli not easy for mi.. challenges r ahead.. yup.. true.. but its nv abt the money, nor even the tiredness of workin n studyin at the same time, but the WILLINGNESS.. jia you Esther!!!

tml is valentines day.. haas.. i'm workin frm 12-11!! gona die there le.. .. money money.. i wan money.. i began to haf plans, aims n goals.. i'm gona work xtra hard.. i wana save money.. i don wan to b broke.. the least i can xpect is a hundred bucks in my account.. nth less!!

'reiji, tml is valentines day.. yup.. i wan u to b happi foreva too..'

went out wif yanglin 2day.. met her for jus ard 3 hrs aft my work.. went this fashion.. lolx.. look here n there she still cannot find wat she wan.. aft tat went to long john.. nth else leh.. haas.. wanted to walk frm sing post to enous MRT.. but in the end yanglin suddenly say she doesnt wan to walk.. she said 'sorry'.. n i say 'its ok!'.. i like tat kinda feelin.. compromisin.. givin in.. one apologise n the other forgives.. =] isnt tat wat we shld do? 'frenz r frenz foreva'~ yanglin, happi valentines! thou u r not my lover nor sum1 i'm secretly admirin.. lolx~ but u r reli the best frenz n sista of mine.. i luv u wif all my heart.. no matter wat happens in the future btwn the both of us, rem dis 2 words.. 'hang on'.. ..

revalations

Written @ 5:24 PM

went svc again dis mornin.. got frenz.. haiz.. sianz.. aft tat got pulled to go for CG.. but thru the svc n CG, i got 2 revelations.. 1st, 'there's no comdemnation is Christ Jesus'.. 2nd, 'bein there for 1 another will share their burden..' long story, but i'm greatly impacted..

2day's plan failed.. but its ok.. we shall try it again.. we mus get u!!! dame.. haiz.. rainin like cats n dogs.. n.. i'm soakin wet.. .. thou i don feel like slpin, but i promised yanglin tat i will TRY to slp.. ya.. abit tired aft the entire day filled of 'activities'.. ..

i dono hw much will i get for my pay, guess beri little.. i'll take a little frm there n will gif the rest to buildin fund.. .. yup.. i wan my harvest to b plentiful.. i shld begin sowin nw.. .. God will nv short change us.. =)

'my heart is dry but still i'm singin.. ..' God, i trust u wif all my heart.. lead mi on dis journey..

MIA

Written @ 5:52 PM

went MIA dis few days.. simply din wan ani1 to contact mi.. i reli cant get thru wo ji zi she yi guan.. guilt guilt guilt.. .. i cancel of my BS tat day without valid reason.. i was on my way there oreli, wif my workbk n bible wif mi.. but last min, i retreated n went missin.. .. din go for CG 2day.. went MIA too.. din wan to ans ani call.. liang called, sandy called, wenting called, ze called.. i rejected calls aft calls.. till yanglin called.. .. was rather retuclant to ans, but haiz.. din wan to reject her call.. .. so.. i picked up.. ya.. tok in a beri unhappi manner, but still, i din throw my attitude.. .. i cldnt run off wif tat guilt.. .. i cldnt.. i was far too sad, angry n guilty till i cry n cry, yet.. its of no help.. .. n had insomia everiday, jus cldnt get to slp.. cant help but my mind pictures out the entire scene.. .. it reli bothers mi.. far too much.. .. so much so i wanted to share, but i cldnt.. its highly confidential.. .. n ze told mi 'wen i say to tell no1, means no1..'.. i cant share wif yanglin either.. sumhw, i noe she felt awkward too in not noein anitin.. wanted to tell her, yet i cant.. can she read my mind? plz.. let her able to.. .. let her haf the ability in understandin wat i'm tinkin n hw i'm feelin without a single word bein sprout.. thou i noe, its imposs.. .. its jus my imaginations.. ..

i was so shrek.. so sad.. so down.. .. i acted beri well..? thx God no1 see the grief side of mi.. puttin on a smile still thou deep down in my heart, its bleedin.. .. i can nv forgive myself.. hw m i able to.. .. was discussin wif ze, both of us were actually helpless.. reli helpless.. its seems tat we've reached the edge of cliff.. we cant cross over tat boundary unless tat jerk shows up n tell the truth.. his words r the bridge tat bring us into the nxt lvl of investigation.. we cant proceed on nw.. he fleed n is nowhere to b found.. ..

thx sandy, wenting, aizhen.. thou u guys doesnt noe wat had happened, but i reli appreciate the encouragin letters frm u guys.. its means alot to mi.. thx.. n yanglin, MMS is quite costy.. not to mi, but i noe.. to u.. still, u r willin to send mi a MMS.. thx for it.. n the recordin.. i listen to it times n again.. thou i dono wats the pic, thou i dono wat song isit.. but tat MMS is valuable to mi.. bro eva told mi.. 'wen a person hu always donates, gave his money to u, its nth surprisin.. but if a person hu nv donates gave his money to u, its means alot.. ..' thx for tat precious MMS of urs.. i reli appreciated it.. alot alot alot n alot..

i wana haf a break thru in my wearin.. in my clothin, my outfit.. 2day i wore a mickey vintage skirt, a U2 top, n a zine handbag.. all branded.. nah.. i don go for branded, but i jus go for wat i like n wats nice on mi.. yup.. certain of u may not b comfortable n is unable to accept the way i wear n the way i look.. but.. hu cares? i'm gg for a total break thru for my image.. .. hello.. i'm 18! i don wan to hear frm ani1 tat i'm still a kid, wif the boi boi wearin, wif the ungirl-like clothin n all.. i had enuf.. ya.. i'm fat la.. so? i don anihw go shoppin wif others, cuz i noe i cant fit in alot of tops n even bottom.. but nw i don bother.. i'm gg fot a total make over.. total change.. i'll make sure wen i open my wardrobe, it'll mostly skirts den beggy jeans! more ladies top den t shirts!

i'm still ponderin.. still lingerin abt the incident.. i reli cant get away frm it.. .. i cant slp.. reli cant.. .. guide mi God, wat shld i do.. .. sob..

fuck u jerky dam!

Written @ 3:12 PM

2day suppose to haf a fun n enjoyable day wif my gang.. yue hao yao qu town, play pool, bowl, watch movie, eat gd stuff etc.. but nw, i got no mood for ani of these leisure n entertainment.. ..

met sarah up to return her money n haf lunch wif her, aft which went to meet tai tai.. haiz.. she look reli qiao cui.. it hurts mi so to see her like dis.. brought her to swensen to eat ice cream, n we sat there for hrs chit chattin.. .. i tired my best.. at last, she smiled.. .. i noe she's sad, i noe she's hurt, yet there's nth i can do.. i felt so useless.. y did i made such a big mistake.. dis shall nv happen if i persist on.. i'm sori.. reli sori.. ..

listen up, don eva let mi get u, u JERK!!! no matter hw u repent, no matter hw many apologise u say, its nv enuf to mend or compensate anitin!!! i felt so suay to haf u as my mem.. i felt so scary to haf a monster by my side all these while.. nope.. u r nv a monster.. u r worse den a monster.. u beast!!! even u die a thousand n a million times, its nv enuf!!! NV NV NV!!! !!! don eva say hw much u dislike mi, don eva say hw much u hate mi.. cuz i don nid u to like! i don nid u to fancy!!! cut the crap!!! if u hate mi, my hate for u r even deeper!!! it reaches the deepest point of the sea!!! u r the worse person i eva see on Earth.. y mus u do dis to her.. .. y.. .. u r cold-blooded.. u r heartless.. u r such a dame pervert.. ..

y dint i persist on.. y.. .. ahh.. Esther leong, u r to blame!!!

failure..

Written @ 3:03 PM

the greatest failure can b found here.. in dis place.. its mi.. Esther Leong.. .. sori guys.. sori.. nth means more den my 'sori' thou i noe its simply useless.. the mistake i've made is unrepentable.. .. sori.. sori.. .. ..